ACHTUNG!!! POST FILLED WITH ANGST!!!
I was talking today with a friend about life and goals. I said that although we try to live life in such a way that we don't plan too much and enjoy the ride, we still should have some sort of idea of where we want to go, or else end up feeling or being lost.
I've been thinking about my own life and my own goals, and to be honest, the only goals in my life that I can think of are my professional and career goals. As for personal goals and relationship goals, I have none. I suppose that explains why I sometimes feel as though I'm pacing around in a locked room.
I was asked, if I could flip a switch and erase my past with MC, would I do it?
A difficult question with a very ambivalent answer.
The times spent with MC were some of the best times of my life. I can't remember being happier than when I was spending time with him, nurturing him, and seeing and feeling the world when I loved him.
However, being with him changed me. I feel damaged, as though the edges of my personality have been blunted. I felt outgoing and vibrant, and now I feel cynical, emotionally reserved and untrusting. The things that he initally liked about me were later on the things that he wanted to be changed.
So would I erase all the memories to return back to the person that I was?
I suppose it's a stupid question. Whatever I would prefer, it can't be done.
I was at the supermarket, doing my shop for the week and was at the checkout, numbly watching the spotty-faced teen scanning the items. Someone queued behind me and started to unload their groceries. I turned to look at the and it was Mole, a man who at one time had been a student in my year at university, though he did repeat a year. Admittedly, although I was never unkind to him, I didn't like him very much and never spoke to him. (I suppose that's an unkindness in itself, come to think of it.)
At least, I thought it was him. I looked at him enquiringly and he looked back at me.
Before I could say anything:
Mole: "You don't know me! You don't know me! You're fucking STUPID!!!"
The spotty-teen and I exchanged glances, and without a word, I paid my bill and left.
I know it's inconsequential, but it made me feel really shitty.
I wonder what I can do to get out of this room.
I've been thinking about my own life and my own goals, and to be honest, the only goals in my life that I can think of are my professional and career goals. As for personal goals and relationship goals, I have none. I suppose that explains why I sometimes feel as though I'm pacing around in a locked room.
I was asked, if I could flip a switch and erase my past with MC, would I do it?
A difficult question with a very ambivalent answer.
The times spent with MC were some of the best times of my life. I can't remember being happier than when I was spending time with him, nurturing him, and seeing and feeling the world when I loved him.
However, being with him changed me. I feel damaged, as though the edges of my personality have been blunted. I felt outgoing and vibrant, and now I feel cynical, emotionally reserved and untrusting. The things that he initally liked about me were later on the things that he wanted to be changed.
So would I erase all the memories to return back to the person that I was?
I suppose it's a stupid question. Whatever I would prefer, it can't be done.
I was at the supermarket, doing my shop for the week and was at the checkout, numbly watching the spotty-faced teen scanning the items. Someone queued behind me and started to unload their groceries. I turned to look at the and it was Mole, a man who at one time had been a student in my year at university, though he did repeat a year. Admittedly, although I was never unkind to him, I didn't like him very much and never spoke to him. (I suppose that's an unkindness in itself, come to think of it.)
At least, I thought it was him. I looked at him enquiringly and he looked back at me.
Before I could say anything:
Mole: "You don't know me! You don't know me! You're fucking STUPID!!!"
The spotty-teen and I exchanged glances, and without a word, I paid my bill and left.
I know it's inconsequential, but it made me feel really shitty.
I wonder what I can do to get out of this room.
posted by Kissaki at 10:00 PM
4 Comments:
The Wii should distract you for a while.
Seriously though, do you have any hobbies or other interests that could involve other similar-minded people?
wow, i'm sure THAT made your day! and it doesn't sound like you're missing anything by not knowing that guy.
as for the other stuff, i'm sure that vibrant, outgoing person is still in there! did you know that it takes over half the time you've been with someone to recover from that breakup? and you were with MC for what, like five years? you've still got some healing to do, believe it or not. don't be so hard on yourself, just take your time and slowly get back into the groove. you're on the right track by at least acknowledging and trying to change.
and the Wii is AWESOME!!! you'll get into fantastic shape with it, too!
good luck, i'm cheering for you!
i dunno anything about the relationship but from the sounds of things you miss the way it was, if it makes you feel better he's not that person anymore so if you'd stayed you'd be just as miserable.
i 2nd ameloblast: nothing better than going out and enjoying yourself to make you feel better :D (go shopping!)
Wow thanks guys! I feel so loved!
I think I'm just ovulating - I need to lay a double yolker!
Post a Comment
<< Home