FEELINGS - OR LACK THEREOF
What goes up must come down. Apparently.
This time last week I felt on top of the world and I now I feel numb.
I used to be so emotional. I remember when MC and I broke up, I cried every day for a month, and then off and on for probably the next 8 or 9 months after that. Since then, I'm so wary about letting people in, and I've learned to turn my emotions off and on like a switch. I haven't cried, not since my birthday. I can't. I've tried. I feel like I need to have a catharsis and let all the toxic feelings go but I can't. I'm emotionally constipated.
The Drummer told me it was a self-defense mechanism. I'm so terrified of getting my heart shat on all over again that I can't let anyone get near it, and at the earliest sign of bullshit, I put my foot down and it's over. I was strung along for 5 years and there's no way I want anyone to do that to me again.
It feels like my whole world has become anaesthetised.
This time last week I felt on top of the world and I now I feel numb.
I used to be so emotional. I remember when MC and I broke up, I cried every day for a month, and then off and on for probably the next 8 or 9 months after that. Since then, I'm so wary about letting people in, and I've learned to turn my emotions off and on like a switch. I haven't cried, not since my birthday. I can't. I've tried. I feel like I need to have a catharsis and let all the toxic feelings go but I can't. I'm emotionally constipated.
The Drummer told me it was a self-defense mechanism. I'm so terrified of getting my heart shat on all over again that I can't let anyone get near it, and at the earliest sign of bullshit, I put my foot down and it's over. I was strung along for 5 years and there's no way I want anyone to do that to me again.
It feels like my whole world has become anaesthetised.
posted by Kissaki at 12:45 PM
4 Comments:
Emotional baggage sucks. It helps us to grow by teaching us a bit more about what we want in life and often sets us up for less naive and complicated relationships in the future.
Unfortunately this comes with a price. The scars that teach us also hinder us.
First cut is the deepest.
That makes me wary of anyone getting close enough to hurt me again.
It's all learning. Now I just need to learn to let go.
(Maybe all this emotional angst is why dentists pee in the sink!)
"(Maybe all this emotional angst is why dentists pee in the sink!)"
okay, you lost me here...
sounds like you've been through a lot. ameloblast has it right on, just don't fall into the trap of letting your past dictate who you are now. you could be missing out on something really terriffic. as for the hurt, well...it DOES suck, the potential is always there and we've all felt it. but tell me, exactly how *happy* are you feeling "numb"? not so much, i gather from reading your post. try to take that into consideration the next time you have to take the plunge.
on another note, don't beat yourself up about breaking up with TJ. it could simply be that you guys just aren't compatible that way or some chemistry was lacking. you may also just not be ready to have a relationship. that's okay, too! don't be so quick to blame yourself or your "emotional baggage". and don't try to force something that simply isn't there, you'll just wind up feeling guilty.
re: peeing in the sink
ohhh, THAT was what you were refering to!
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