I'm going to go out on a date with this guy I met, SP in a few weeks.
He seems a little crazy, but he also seems to be intelligent and pretty darn cute.
Mind you, I'm hardly one to call people crazy. I'm a non-blonde, cross between Elliot Reed and Bridget Jones who can't eat bananas if they haven't been trifled with in some way and initiates new staff members by making fake poos out of coffee and alginate.
I was talking today with a friend about life and goals. I said that although we try to live life in such a way that we don't plan too much and enjoy the ride, we still should have some sort of idea of where we want to go, or else end up feeling or being lost.
I've been thinking about my own life and my own goals, and to be honest, the only goals in my life that I can think of are my professional and career goals. As for personal goals and relationship goals, I have none. I suppose that explains why I sometimes feel as though I'm pacing around in a locked room.
I was asked, if I could flip a switch and erase my past with MC, would I do it?
A difficult question with a very ambivalent answer.
The times spent with MC were some of the best times of my life. I can't remember being happier than when I was spending time with him, nurturing him, and seeing and feeling the world when I loved him.
However, being with him changed me. I feel damaged, as though the edges of my personality have been blunted. I felt outgoing and vibrant, and now I feel cynical, emotionally reserved and untrusting. The things that he initally liked about me were later on the things that he wanted to be changed.
So would I erase all the memories to return back to the person that I was?
I suppose it's a stupid question. Whatever I would prefer, it can't be done.
I was at the supermarket, doing my shop for the week and was at the checkout, numbly watching the spotty-faced teen scanning the items. Someone queued behind me and started to unload their groceries. I turned to look at the and it was Mole, a man who at one time had been a student in my year at university, though he did repeat a year. Admittedly, although I was never unkind to him, I didn't like him very much and never spoke to him. (I suppose that's an unkindness in itself, come to think of it.)
At least, I thought it was him. I looked at him enquiringly and he looked back at me.
It has been brought to my attention recently, or rather, I have realised, that I am this person:
Though actually, It would be more accurate for me to say that I am the character, rather than the person. I'm Elliot Reed, only not blonde and not as hot.
I was talking to Supe the other night and we were talking Scrubs, which I adore, when the realisation hit me.
I'm crazy, I'm neurotic, I speak too quickly, I'm an over-achiever, I'm highly-strung and emotional at times and often put my foot in my mouth amongst other things.
I decided to re-energise my life and get rid of all the crap: bad feelings, stagnant ideas, toxic bachelors, etc, starting with myself.
And what better way than with a detox?
Detox! Wow! How fabulous! Wheat-free, gluten-free, yeast-free, refined food-free, red meat-free, dairy-free fun, fun, FUN!!!
Now, I have a 2 coffee a day habit, and Grail, the barista in the cafe next to work, provides fabulous conversation as well as great coffee.
Day 1 of the detox: Feeling fine...
Day 2 of the detox: That night I have the worst headache I have ever had. I have to go to bed early.
Day 3 of the detox: I wake up and feel like shit. I look with contempt at my hot water and lemon and curse it for not being the coffee I so desperately desire. I feel crappy all day. My headache disappears by that evening and I have the best sleep I've had in a long time.
Day 4 of the detox: No headache...go to visit Grail just for chat and no coffee and hope that I can vicariously capture how I feel when I do drink coffee. I've lost a kilo.
Day 5 of the detox: I have dinner with my parents. I blow my detox. It feels fabulous.
But considering how bad I felt, I think I'll stay away from caffeine for a while longer...
"In my life I don't mean much to anyone Lost my way, can't go back anymore Once I had everything, now it's gone Don't tell me again, 'cause I've heard it all before
Some people say that I'm not worth it I've made mistakes but nobody's perfect Guess I'll give it a try I've got one last chance to get myself together Can't lose no more time it's now or never And I try to remember who I used to be I've got one last chance to get myself together
Time has come for me to change again I can't carry on like this, I will lose my friends Don't say that you have given up on me Just give me the time and space to heal my head
Some people say that I'm not worth it I've made mistakes but nobody's perfect I guess I'll give it a try I've got one last chance to get myself together I can't lose no more time it's now or never And I try to remember who I used to be I've got one last chance to get myself together
And I don't wanna be misunderstood I've got to take this chance and make it into something good
Some people say that I'm not worth it I've made mistakes but nobody's perfect I guess I'll give a try I've got one last chance to get myself together I can't lose no more time it's now or never And I try to remember who I used to be I've got one last chance to get myself together"
-James Morrison
If someone wrote a song about this, there must be other people who feel this way at this point in time. That's comforting to know.
This time last week I felt on top of the world and I now I feel numb.
I used to be so emotional. I remember when MC and I broke up, I cried every day for a month, and then off and on for probably the next 8 or 9 months after that. Since then, I'm so wary about letting people in, and I've learned to turn my emotions off and on like a switch. I haven't cried, not since my birthday. I can't. I've tried. I feel like I need to have a catharsis and let all the toxic feelings go but I can't. I'm emotionally constipated.
The Drummer told me it was a self-defense mechanism. I'm so terrified of getting my heart shat on all over again that I can't let anyone get near it, and at the earliest sign of bullshit, I put my foot down and it's over. I was strung along for 5 years and there's no way I want anyone to do that to me again.
It feels like my whole world has become anaesthetised.
Just arrived back from gorgeous Byron Bay, where I had a fantastic time. It's the first time that I've ever travelled alone for the sake of travelling. Diving out at Julian Rocks was fantastic. I saw some leopard sharks, which I've never seen before. Awesome.
I also spent a great deal of time reading while lying on the beach. The downside of travelling on one's own is that I had no one to apply sunscreen to my back and consequently now have a very strange streaky sunburn pattern on my back.
In other news: up + down - strange + amicable x TJ + myself = I know I have to lay down my boundaries and I broke up with him last night for the second time. Ridiculous, no?
Sassy 20-something single Sydney-sider with an odd fondness for penguins. Perhaps it's because they not just live, but thrive in the harshest place on the planet. Perhaps it's that they are monogamous and spend time searching for that one soul mate. Perhaps it's because they're loyal and dedicated to their partner once they find them. Or perhaps it's just because they look cool.
